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Finding Self-Love After a Breakup

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Breakups can be challenging, heartbreaking, cruel, and awful. However, sometimes they can be a good thing. A few years ago when I started college, I went through a major breakup and as one can imagine, I was hurt and scared of change. But the feeling that permeated within me the most was self-hatred. After that breakup, what I needed most was self-love.

I never had high confidence, to begin with, so the breakup added to the list of personal attacks. I would tell myself things like: You weren’t worth his time, so you’re not worth anyone else’s time. You are a waste. You are nothing.

It was one of the lowest points in my life. I spent a long time being depressed and distracting myself with activities, while my self-disgust ate me up.

Low Self-Esteem

My Resolve

After taking time to reflect on the relationship, I came to a startling realization about myself: I had given so much time, energy, and love to my ex, and yet had very little love for myself. When he was going through a difficult patch, the empath in me did everything I could to save him, anchor him, and provide a safe place. Although he may have appreciated it, my efforts did not affect the outcome of the relationship.

I used to think that the question, “How can you love someone else, when you don’t love yourself?” was a cliche. Turns out it applied to me. I was in a toxic relationship with myself and for my well being, it was necessary for me to change.

I made a decision to love myself.

Discovering Self-Love after Breakup

What it means to have self-love

What did it even mean to love myself? The conclusion I came to was self-care, both physically and mentally. I began exercising, dancing, and working out my core. Running toward a physical goal built a new sense of appreciation and confidence for my body.

I also started dressing up and this time it wasn’t for anyone else. Dressing for myself allowed me to explore fashion as a form of expression. It felt nice to look good simply because I wanted to.

On my mental health: Since it was a force of habit to spew ugly words at myself, I had to work hard to recondition my mind. That meant complimenting myself on things from my appearance to my work ethic. And guess what? Eventually, I started believing what I was saying.

Self-love hearts

Focusing on me

While still healing from the breakup, I focused my energy on myself. Prior to the ex, I had jumped from one relationship to another without much of a breather. So it was time for me to grow on my own. I concentrated on my studies, exercising, and doing things that made me happy. Simply focusing on living, I could finally acknowledge that I was becoming strong, beautiful, and independent.

Seeing yourself with self-love

That was my story on finding self-love after a breakup. Let’s be real, self-love can be difficult to come by for many of us, let alone after a breakup. What I learned from this experience is that I tend to put a lot of work into almost everything I do, except for myself. I supported and loved another human being more than I supported and loved myself. And while it’s wonderful to put your time and energy toward the people you care about, if you neglect yourself, your body and mind will certainly feel it.

Self-care was the key to becoming a better and happier version of me. All it took was recognizing this blaring issue and working on it.

Finding worth and acquiring an appreciation for ourselves is a journey. It goes up and down, but I believe the first step to moving toward self-love is viewing our relationship with ourselves. From there, it takes time and effort to bring in a brighter day.

If you have any thoughts, please feel free to share them down below.

Good luck on your journey,

Harumi

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25 thoughts on “Finding Self-Love After a Breakup”

  1. Thank you for sharing with us. I’m so sorry to hear about your break up, but I’m happy that you were able to love yourself and grow as a person because of it. What doesn’t kill us definitely makes us stronger.

    Self-care and self-love is so important!

    Much love always,
    GABBY | http://www.gabbyabigaill.com

  2. I have found friends to be important in recovering from a breakup. A good friend is always willing to point out the shortcomings of the estranged partner and extoll the virtues of the aggrieved, tortured but stoically and dare I say heroically surviving personage that is me.

  3. What a positive and honest post! One of things I value most about you is your thoughtful honesty and your courage in sharing it. I think that when the Bible calls us to love others as we love ourselves, many of us realize that actually it might need to be turned around. Self-love, in an egotistical sense, isn’t good. But we need to respect, honor and learn to love ourselves. God created each of us carefully and intentionally, as unique, beautiful creatures (see for example Psalm 139), with gifts, personalities, opportunities and calling that nobody else can match. If we can see our value in God’s eyes, it becomes a bit easier to give ourselves value (rather than call God a liar!)

    1. Thank you for the thoughtful response! I agree that it is incredibly important to respect ourselves. As I mentioned before, it’s an up and down journey, but it all comes down to finding that relationship with ourselves and maintaining it.

  4. This is inspiring, thank you for sharing your experience. This post reminds me of a saying my mom tells me frequently.. ” You are already whole, anyone else that comes along “romantically” should just be a cherry on top”.

      1. I am relieved that you were able to push forward and uncover the “unconditioned you.” The “you” that isn’t influenced by other people and is purely created by yourself. I feel like many people try to become someone else’s “ideal” person, and they kind of lose themselves. Reading your blog reminds me of the many beautiful things that come with just being yourself as well as nurturing that self-love that you and everyone else owes themselves.

        1. It took me a long time to get there and from time to time, I still find myself trying to act the way others around me want me to act. But all it takes is reminding myself that I like who I am.

  5. I’ve never had high confidence either, and as a result, I neglect my self-care and self-love. Good luck with working on your self-love and I hope you recover from the break up fast and find a better you

  6. everything about heartbreak is truly painful. But, healing too is possible, you just have to realize your life is yours and your happiness is yours too determine by yourself. Thanks for sharing.

  7. Breakups are very tough. Great post on how to move on. Having a strong support network is so very important, plus taking care of you FIRST. Thanks for sharing!

  8. Thank you for sharing your story, it’s very brave of you! I too have recently broken up with my ex, it was not easy as it was a toxic relationship. The trauma it has caused me was not easy to forget but I did go to therapy and practiced self care. I’m slowly doing better than before. All the best for you!

    1. It’s so challenging coming out of a toxic relationship. It takes a while to get back on your feet, but self-care really does wonders. Sending you love!

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