Letters to My Past Self: High School Edition

We are back with the second post in my series, Letters to My Past Self. I started out this series, writing a letter to my college self, which was both cathartic and interesting to revisit as it wasn’t such a long time ago. But today, I will be writing a letter to my high school self. It’ll be strange to revisit this person I used to be because I feel so far removed from her, and yet all of the experiences she went through created the person writing this post today. This is Letter’s to My Past Self: High School Edition.

Dear Harumi,

What were you doing? If I can recall, you had a kind demeanor, but you never really allowed yourself to be you if that makes any sense. Yes, being kind, maybe shy even, was a part of your personality, but we both know how desperate you were to break out this one-dimensional personality you had.

A big focus for you was what everyone else thought about you. What if so and so thought I was depressed? We can’t let them know. You thought that crying and showing hurt was a sign of weakness, that being vulnerable was a bad thing. I wish you knew that it’s okay to be sad sometimes. It’s okay to show vulnerability. There is nothing human in expressing a singular emotion, such as happiness.

Hard Times

High school was rough, wasn’t it? There was the tsunami disaster in Japan in 2011, where you were unsure if any of your family members had even survived. The following year, the death of a family member occurred. You sought out comforts in toxic relationships and suffocated yourself with activities to fill your time. Did you do that to distract yourself or is it simply in your nature to clutter your schedule?

Meanwhile, you began questioning your faith because things didn’t quite make sense anymore and you were hurting. But every day you threw on an oversized hoodie and a smile. How?

A Mixed Reflection

I remember wanting high school to be done and over with. You were fed up with adults constantly looking down at you, drama, and an overwhelming schedule. But let me tell you something… I’m proud of you for being a strong person, even if you didn’t believe so at the time. You managed to get through some of the most mentally and emotionally exhausting years of your life. You hadn’t learned to open up yet or explore the darker aspects of your personality, but you survived and that’s a huge achievement.

I’m sorry you didn’t feel comfortable being vulnerable and that you had so much anxiety surrounding other people’s opinions about you i.e. how you were supposed to act, your appearance, etc. Oh, but hey… Here’s something you never saw coming. One day you’ll realize that what you think about yourself is way more important and beneficial than what others think of you. It’ll be a relief, I promise.

I want you to know that you, the girl who dressed in hoodies, had long swooping bangs, a slouched posture, and bushy eyebrows were enough. You gave so many pieces of yourself to other people because you cared about them. Someday you’ll learn to say, “no” and you will no longer be persuaded by peer pressure. Don’t worry, you’ll get there.

The Sign Off

I want to end this letter, thanking you for being you. You may not have felt strong when you endured all of these hardships, but you were. You learned a great deal, you grew, and then you headed off to college, where you did more soul searching. People say life is a journey. High school just happened to be a rollercoaster of experiences. You did pretty okay, kiddo!

Thank you for reading Letters to My Past Self: High School Edition. This has been an extremely reflective and healing process for me. I highly recommend readers try this exercise out as a way to come to terms with past experiences and feelings. You can be blunt, silly, experimental with this, but in the end, it still serves as a meaningful reflection. Check out Middle School edition next!

Good luck on your journey,

Harumi