Finding Self-Love After a Breakup

Breakups can be challenging, heartbreaking, cruel, and awful. However, sometimes they can be a good thing. A few years ago when I started college, I went through a major breakup and as one can imagine, I was hurt and scared of change. But the feeling that permeated within me the most was self-hatred. After that breakup, what I needed most was self-love.

I never had high confidence, to begin with, so the breakup added to the list of personal attacks. I would tell myself things like: You weren’t worth his time, so you’re not worth anyone else’s time. You are a waste. You are nothing.

It was one of the lowest points in my life. I spent a long time being depressed and distracting myself with activities, while my self-disgust ate me up.

My Resolve

After taking time to reflect on the relationship, I came to a startling realization about myself: I had given so much time, energy, and love to my ex, and yet had very little love for myself. When he was going through a difficult patch, the empath in me did everything I could to save him, anchor him, and provide a safe place. Although he may have appreciated it, my efforts did not affect the outcome of the relationship.

I used to think that the question, “How can you love someone else, when you don’t love yourself?” was a cliche. Turns out it applied to me. I was in a toxic relationship with myself and for my well being, it was necessary for me to change.

I made a decision to love myself.

What it means to have self-love

What did it even mean to love myself? The conclusion I came to was self-care, both physically and mentally. I began exercising, dancing, and working out my core. Running toward a physical goal built a new sense of appreciation and confidence for my body.

I also started dressing up and this time it wasn’t for anyone else. Dressing for myself allowed me to explore fashion as a form of expression. It felt nice to look good simply because I wanted to.

On my mental health: Since it was a force of habit to spew ugly words at myself, I had to work hard to recondition my mind. That meant complimenting myself on things from my appearance to my work ethic. And guess what? Eventually, I started believing what I was saying.

Focusing on me

While still healing from the breakup, I focused my energy on myself. Prior to the ex, I had jumped from one relationship to another without much of a breather. So it was time for me to grow on my own. I concentrated on my studies, exercising, and doing things that made me happy. Simply focusing on living, I could finally acknowledge that I was becoming strong, beautiful, and independent.

That was my story on finding self-love after a breakup. Let’s be real, self-love can be difficult to come by for many of us, let alone after a breakup. What I learned from this experience is that I tend to put a lot of work into almost everything I do, except for myself. I supported and loved another human being more than I supported and loved myself. And while it’s wonderful to put your time and energy toward the people you care about, if you neglect yourself, your body and mind will certainly feel it.

Self-care was the key to becoming a better and happier version of me. All it took was recognizing this blaring issue and working on it.

Finding worth and acquiring an appreciation for ourselves is a journey. It goes up and down, but I believe the first step to moving toward self-love is viewing our relationship with ourselves. From there, it takes time and effort to bring in a brighter day.

If you have any thoughts, please feel free to share them down below.

Good luck on your journey,

Harumi