Dangers of Assumptions in Relationships

We’ve all made assumptions, be it in our relationships, in meeting new people, in starting a new job or class… Assumptions are essentially based on our past experiences. Because how else can we wrap our minds around a new situation or person without first acknowledging what we’ve been through? It is a way of categorizing how we perceive the world. Our minds are incredible to be able to make associations from past experiences to present experiences. But what happens when you start making incorrect assumptions and then even further, acting impulsively? Today I’ll be retracing the erroneous steps I took after making some major assumptions. This is the Dangers of Assumptions in Relationships.

The Problem We Fell Into

The motivation behind writing about assumptions is the result of a recent argument or rather multiple little aspects that built up with my long-time partner. Texting led to many miscommunications as we were assuming the tone and mood from a singular message. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate arguments. I try to be a chill person, but sometimes I fly off the handle when my partner doesn’t seem to understand my frustrations and vice versa. This brings us to a major problem we fell into:

Mistaking Knowing Someone Vs. Knowing How They Feel

I’ve been with my partner for a few years now and I’d say that we both know each other very well. Of course, we owe our knowledge to our past experiences and hours of conversation. We’re familiar with each other’s personalities, quirks, movements. We are acutely aware of specific actions, words, or lack of actions or words, and the connotations of words… For instance, if my partner is upset with me, he may respond to my comments with shorter phrases, such as “Fine”, “Okay”, “TTYL.” And sometimes I imitate that behavior or I go on extremely long rants and get a little more peeved if he responds curtly.

But here’s something we both came to realize after our latest disagreement. Knowing someone well doesn’t mean we know how they’re feeling or what they’re currently thinking. For example, let’s return to the shortness of phrasing I mentioned earlier. Because in the past, my partner used it to express his annoyance, I immediately assumed this time around that he was annoyed and didn’t want to talk to me. But in actuality, he wasn’t necessarily annoyed at me, rather he was trying not to intrude in my reflection time by not engaging in longer forms of conversation. My assumption of my partner being angry with me led to bigger issues.

Little Things Become Big Deals

We’ve already discussed how assumptions can lead to incorrect assessments of situations, but let’s go a little further. Acting out. I have a lot of experience acting out in the face of assumptions and adversity. For instance, after assuming that my partner was angry with me, I decided not to reach out to him all day. I also maintained distance because I felt a little hurt. Over and over again, I asked myself: Does he have a reason to be upset with me? Is he angry with me because I’m taking time away to journal? What did I do wrong? A toxic snowball effect.

My Partner’s Perspective:

After finally taking the time to discuss where we stood, he expressed how hurt he felt because I ignored him. He asked the same questions: What did I do wrong? Why is my girlfriend mad at me? Am I a bad partner?

He explained how his short phrases were in no way malicious, but a way to give me space. Even further, he expressed his concerns about my writer’s retreat and distancing myself from the relationship. His assumptions about me taking time to reflect this time around were based on past arguments we had, where I took a step back to think. To which I replied that the writer’s retreat was more of an opportunity to reflect on this year, the good and the bad, the resentments I had, and the issues I would like to resolve.

Do you see how our assumptions led to even larger issues that didn’t have to be problems in the first place?

What It Means to Communicate

I am a major advocate for communication and believe that communication not only allows us to survive in this world, but thrive. Despite all of this, I still fail at articulating my feelings and taking time to listen all the time. This latest argument actually led to a breakthrough for both my partner and me as we realized we weren’t effectively listening to each other or explaining how we felt and why we felt the way we did. It was time for us to recognize the dangers of making assumptions in relationships.

These are some factors we outlined to become better communicators:

• Listen
  • Yes, it’s important to get your point across, but realize that a conversation means talking “with” someone, not “at” someone. Try to hear what the other person is saying and take time to reflect. Your actions affect more than just you and a lot of times we forget that!

• Be Clear
  • It is very common to be in a relationship and expect your significant other to understand every nuanced thing you say or do, but let’s be real: People are not mind-readers and sometimes cannot gauge the situation. Be clear about what you’re saying and why you’re saying it.

• Ask for Clarification
  • To avoid a major catastrophe, you can ask for clarification about your partner’s statement. This is especially helpful when it comes to texting. For example, if my partner stops referring to me with endearing nicknames (which we constantly use) over text, I could ask him why that’s the case. Don’t want to create waves where there are none!

• Express your frustrations & why
  • It can be challenging to tell your partner your frustrations sometimes. Maybe you’re worried that they’ll take it the wrong way or that they have too much on their plate to hear what you have to say. Either way, it is important to give them a glimpse into your feelings. For example, “Hey, when you made that comment about me the other day, it really bothered me.”
  • Giving some context as to why you may feel hurt also helps your partner to better understand your perspective and vice versa.

A Lesson From Adversity

What I learned about communication and listening from this recent argument was incredibly valuable. Was it an easy lesson to learn? No. But I believe that it’s important to experience things and learn from our mistakes. In this case, our mistake was assuming that we knew exactly what the other partner was feeling and thinking. I learned the importance of listening, expressing my feelings, and recognizing that my partner may feel very differently than I do.

Thank you for reading my latest post on the dangers of assumptions in relationships. If you relate to any of the points I discussed, I hope you know that you are not alone. Relationships can be hard to navigate, but I guess it takes making mistakes to learn new things about yourself and your special person.

Good luck on your journey,

Harumi