Writer’s Retreat: A Reflection

It wasn’t until I reached my breaking point that I realized: I needed a getaway! I’ll be real. When it comes to my limits, I push them. Whether it be through studying for hours without a breather or working for a year without a vacation, I have always struggled with giving myself breaks. As I mentioned in a letter to my college self, breaks are important and necessary. Even though I know this, I still fall into my old and neglectful habits. Today I’ll be discussing a recent writer’s retreat I took and the reflections I had from that trip.

Why I Finally Decided To Take Time Away

Let’s start with the obvious. This has been a mentally challenging year for everyone. For the purpose of this post, I will mainly focus on my own mental health as I am certainly not equipped to be speaking about someone else’s mental health. But from what I’ve observed online, from the media, and from fellow friends and family, adapting to a new way of living has had its challenges.

Disappointments & Mental Health

This year has been extremely disappointing. I was supposed to move out, but due to job and moving complications, that was simply not possible. And I know that not moving out seems like such a minuscule issue, but for me, it was a big deal. It’s like this ongoing goal of mine that I have been trying to accomplish for years. This is an instance where my relentless optimism was let down by the realistic aspects of our situation.

I believe that the overwhelming disappointment that was linked to this situation tanked my mental health. I was suddenly comparing myself to all of my other friends that were moving out this year. Many self-deprecating questions swarmed my mind: What am I doing wrong? Why am I incompetent in accomplishing something important to me? Why is it that I work almost every day and it doesn’t seem to get me any closer to my financial goal? This frustration led to emotional burnout, which inspired the how to bring yourself up post.

Work, Work, & More Work

Another point of exhaustion was my lack of motivation to go to work. I am thankful to be able to work, especially during the current unemployment crisis. But in terms of taking time off, I hadn’t taken a vacation since last October. So yes, I struggled to get out of bed every day, felt depressed, was very mentally exhausted, and felt guilty for feeling any resentment towards my job.

Covid-19

Living through this strange time in history, I wondered what the point of getting away was when all I could do was quarantine. I wasn’t sure how comfortable I was going to a new environment or potentially being near strangers. How clean would a hotel or Air BnB be? What would I bring to maintain a sanitary environment? I didn’t know the answer to these questions, but what here’s what I did know:

• I was suffocating under the weight of everything happening in the world.
• My happiness was rarely present in my day-to-day life.
• Nothing felt attainable.
• No progress was being made in my life. It was as though my 20s were wasting away and there was nothing I could do about it.
• My dark thoughts were getting worse and it started to scare me.

Even though I was able to bring myself out of my funk a couple of times with the help of journaling and a crisis-interventionist, it was time to leave so that I could breathe and find some clarity in reflection.

My Reflection

I went somewhere hours away from home, ate different foods, watched a sunset by a beach, and wrote my heart out. My main goal for this trip was to detox from this year and write every single disappointment, pain, frustration, anxiety, and fear I had. I wanted so desperately to let go of the tension I carried in my heart and my mind. I wanted freedom and I wanted to figure out if the life I created for myself ended up being a prison.

The Power of Writing

Writing allowed me to confront every thought that weighed heavily on me. I wrote about my constant struggle between balancing gratefulness and acknowledging my hardships. I confronted my frustration with not being able to move out and the conflicts I faced with my partner at the time. The pen in my hand moved faster than I had time to think and every unfiltered thought spanned pages upon pages.

There was some crying, some tensing of the jaw, lots of sighs, and yet little by little, relief began to spread through me. I didn’t have all the answers, but I was able to find some clarity and peace and that’s exactly what I needed.

An Exhausting Life

There are many people out there just like me, who struggle with balancing their lives. They are hitting the grind every single day with school, multiple jobs, and side-hustles. They are constantly digesting the horrors of the times we live in, frustrations with political divisions, and lack of progression. It seems to me that we’re all a bit worn out. I don’t think it’s too much to take a break, if you’re able to, for the sake of your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health. Detoxing can be very beneficial.

Expression That Suits You

Maybe writing or taking a writer’s retreat isn’t for you and that’s completely okay. In this case, this writer’s retreat was exactly what I needed. But if you need to let off some steam, do something you enjoy. Express yourself. Get all that anger and sadness out. Take care of yourself, seriously. Do it. I know I’m hypocritical when it comes to this, but it’s something that I’m working on too. Take time off, breathe, and find joy in the little things.

Thanks for reading, friends. Stay healthy and safe!

Good luck on your journey,

Harumi